First Affair


A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and

made love all afternoon. Exhausted,

they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told

his lover to take his shoes outside and

rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife

demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm

having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and

said, 'You lying bastard! You've been

playing golf!'




The 2nd Affair


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful

daughters but always talked about having

a son. They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a

healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushe d to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he

had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby. Look at the

two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have

you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied,

'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about

to be cremated, and made a startling

discovery. Bob had the largest private

part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented,

'I can't allow you to be cremated with such

an impressive private part. It must be saved

for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show you. You won't

believe,' he said to his wife, opening his

briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'




The 4th Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover when

she heard her husband opening the front

door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then

dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.

'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he

entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths

bought one and I liked it so I got one for

us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they

went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to

the kitchen and returned, with a sandwich

and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar

and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked,

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a

bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the

guy who owns this place?'

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm

doing to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have

something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and

let the poison work.'




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